- Dowry/ dahej
- misbehaviour of someone during marriage ( like causing insult/ hurt)
- old relations which haunts
- expectations not meeting etc etc
And normally all focus is on above issues where as there can be other hidden undisclosed issues too like :
5.Relationships can be in deep waters due to sexual difficulties but for years one / both keep suffering without coming out in open. So under lining factor can be something else of rift but actual fight will take place for other reasons. Let us in brief understand the problems:
A: Organic / Physiological several reasons can affect a good performance ( long sickness ,addictions, long fatigue, low testosterone, high old BP, high old diabetes, etc etc.
B. Psychogenic: Past, myths ( like virginity : during talk with a disturbed friend who had just married I casually mentioned / explained that on first night bleeding may not take place due to several reason like girl was sportswoman, cyclist, may have inserted finger etc etc then hymen may have ruptured accidentally and he left his all misconceptions against his wife and became happy husband) , misconceptions, fear ( of pain, getting caught etc etc), hatred, commitment to other person, sever untreated depression etc.
If person has difficulty in arousal, erection or performance then one may avoid / not enjoy physical relations.And then can distance with partner on bogus grounds as he/ she can not come out with facts on such issues as there is a lot of stigma/ shyness/ fear to discuss such issues.
If person has very good experience with earlier partner and not so good with new one then also he may become dissatisfied and which can be seen in his / her behaviour.
Ex may be longing for old partner or have guilt or may be longing for good sex( experienced earlier as lady who is proffessional or already married or divorced can be a better satisfying then a new shy inexperienced wife as she does not know all tantra).Unfortunately some times it is ulta too where if a good virgin lady takes extra interest or shows some extra knowledge then too husbands doubt her though it may be due her having some good knowledgeable friend, have read some good scientific books on tantra/ kam , attended some seminar ( I attended first such educative seminar some where around in 1976 ( I was bachlor and 21 yrs) organised by my very bold and dynamic college princial Dr Kohli (N M college) where Dr Prakash Kothari demolised all myths and misconception in the minds of students and lecurers of college, and Bhaidas hall was over full) ( even after 30 yrs do u hear of such seminars for youth???). Education ministry, parents, teachers wake up.
A newly wed lady being new may be in pain and has to use cream/ zylocaine besides husband has to love , respect, give comfort, give confidence ( for future security) so she becomes relexed/ wet. But idiot husband may think she is avoiding. Etc etc .ande may further drift. If u keep her under shaken confidence then how can she be aroused and parnering? So I feel doctors, elder women in house must question about physical relationship and guide new couple and better take some help from qualified proffessionals. Two best organisation which I know of in Mumbai r Council of Sex education and parenthood Int. and FPI ( Family Planning Association of India), KEM hospital whose memebrs are competeant to do proper counseling/ treatment. However two important caution here :
1. A lady should never allow profeessional to examine beyond a reasonable stage without the presence of a spouse/ another matured lady.
2. You must cross check all info on net / books at FPI , ask lot of questions etc..and understand where u r being led.
Proffessiionals / close senior relatives must further ask: how long they had physical relations. How was their experience and satisfaction. How much they long for each other to be close, fiddling, foreplay etc etc. For man there is always fear of erection, its size ( which most often does not matter) premature ejaculation ( for both reasons psycho or physical disabilities), impotancy, etc etc. For both or one there may be reservation about conceiving ( now a days biggest hurdle is they r carrier minded , want to earn more for bigger better houes, we have spolilt the psyche of women by saying they need not be maid after good education/ career).
If there is a lack of satisfaction due to any of above reasons and they ( due to nature of our society) are likely to not likely to discuss this/ understand this. And one who can not understand can never seek help and finally will keep drifting from each other and or keep suffering silently life time. Many a times cause of discord is physical relationship issues but are most often not unattended till it is toooooooolate.
I have several factual incidents to tell but one short story may be good enough:
A lady neighbour of mine confided something in wife and my wife took his 10 year old son to a leading surgeon of leading hospital.They cameback without and treatment and help but good assurance. When I asked my wife why they had taken Ralph ( false name) to surgeon she avoided to reply.As time passed this boy became major but did not grow any facial hair, had chest bulging out , personality was not totally boyish but I cud not say anything to his parents ( this is nature of our society).He avoided to on picnic with other boys etc .
By the grace of god his mother again took help of my wife for getting an appointment with this leading surgeon.When they were to leave for him that time I was told they r going to him.I cud not be that reluctant this time and asked my wife insistingly what is wrong with Ralph? She was again reluctant but on my insistance she said his mother says his private oragn is not growing.He is very shy. He does not go to male loo when others r thgere.
I told her u dont have to go to general surgeon but have to go to a Urologist. Then I contacted Dr Rupin Shah. Dr rupin called me in the cabin after examining this boy and showed that his one testicle has not descended ( hence can not be even seen, felt means is not doing its job of producing testesterone very vital for manhood development) and hence he has girlish voice, no beard, enlarged breast, and no development of penis . he showed me his micro penis.
Then immediatley a surgery was planned and his testicles were put in right place. Then he was given shots of testesterone. Now Ralph is much OK. But Can he marry ?? Big question but his parents never asked me to accompany them to Dr Rupin. Dr Rupin though very nice person and knows me but as it is his proffessional ethics to not to disclose clients info in their absence has not told me nither I wud ask.
Parennts of Ralph have prohibited me to share this info as he shud not face difficulties in getting married.
By the way the earlier surgeon had assured parents of ralph that he is a child and evrything is alright and he will be OK once grows up. But Dr Rupin Shah said that this case should have been brought years back so lot cud be done at right time and saved the child from psychological trauma of years.
So if leading surgons have ignorance about sexology then u can imagine the condition of lay person and just married.
Wake wake wake up all. Save marriages. Save families. Have sex education.
sex education is not all about increasing demands. increasing adultery , increasing dishonesty rather it for setting right the person suffering from such difficulties as explained above and increasing pleasure, increasing honesty and developing healthy society.
I m sending this mail to 50K . Pl. fwd this to all ur contacts if u like it.
( sorry no time to chk spellings, grammer, or rephrasing). Rushing for my appointment to LIC office.
Alok Tholiya (S.E.O.),Marigold Hall,
Tholiya Bhavan,10th Road,Santacruz East,
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